The Healing Power of the Pen

By Gloria Fraser

Dear Disability:

I have been asked to write a letter to YOU about my personal feelings. YOU have been a thorn in my side that began in the womb.

I resent the fact that I had to start out in life with an immediate setback. This setback caused me great frustration, anger, hurt and confusion as to what was happening to me. People were angry at me because of the frustrations and hardships YOU brought to them through the special care I required. YOU have caused my parents to loose some of their freedom. My parents and older brother reacted to YOU and got angry at me.

Because of YOU, things are so much harder to do. YOU have caused me unhappiness, and I have experienced feelings of isolation. Dealing with YOU has caused me to suffer much physical, emotional, social and spiritual pain. I have experienced many limitations because of YOU.

YOU are also multidimensional. YOU could not be satisfied with one challenge -- oh, no, along with the physical disability, a congenital hip problem (resulting in six years in a body cast because of bone disease, a surgically fused left hip, and doctors not expecting me to walk), I had to have a learning disability (which caused great difficulty in learning how to read, spell, write and do math, and meant repeating grades). Then YOU added a few more extras such as asthma, allergies, arthritis, sinusitis, rhinitis and degenerative disc disease. This was complicated further with auditory discrimination problems, and a need for speech therapy. YOU sure have given me many challenges.

I have been so overburdened with trying to keep up with YOU that I have had no time for anything else. I had to spend so much time looking after me, surviving, struggling, adjusting, adapting and improvising that I did not have time to develop my social skills. YOU caused me to put up many defenses because people did not always understand my situation. I was often considered selfish and selfcentred. People expected me to be able to do certain things, but I could not, because of YOUR restrictions. They did not try to understand, but chose to be judgmental and rejected me.

At times, I still get frustrated because of the extra effort I have to make to do things that others do easily. I even get angry at myself because YOU are there like an albatross around my neck. Oh, how I hate YOU.

I wished I had been born into a different family so I could have had a different life. But as I got older, and because of my profession of counselling, I realized that being reborn randomly into another family would be no guarantee for a better life. I might have been worse off than I am now. Because of YOU, I chose to search spiritually to gain some strength and understanding, so I could rise above YOU.

Still, I often felt defeated and controlled by YOU. I even denied that YOU were there because I wanted to be treated as normal. But YOU kept reminding me of YOUR presence. Many times, I planned my death and almost carried it out. I wanted to escape YOU because I saw no happiness or fulfillment in my life.

I tried many paths to deal with YOU. Down some of these paths, I learned some ways to deal with YOU. However, there was something missing. The spirituality path was most helpful, yet the hardest part to understand was the suffering. Why must YOU make me suffer so much? I thought death might stop the suffering. But a voice inside was not sure that the suffering would end. Maybe it would follow me into another life with added hardships.

My native culture helped me understand YOU more. I have read and been told that there is meaning in suffering. These lessons teach that all things happen for a reason. We have chosen the path we follow even before our birth on earth. We have to go through the thorny bush to grow.

I needed YOU to teach me lessons. YOU are here to teach me specific lessons, if I choose to learn. I have to look upon YOU as an opportunity to grow and learn, to see YOU as a challenge, not an obstacle.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what YOU have taught me. Here are some things that come to mind:

1. I have learned to be creative, improvise and adapt, because I cannot do things the normal way but always have to modify them. This talent also can be implemented in everyday activities, e.g. in my work and helping people solve problems.

2. YOU have taught me to have compassion for others. Because of my hurt and bitterness, I know how necessary compassion is for our well being. When I have the urge to avoid showing compassion, I try to focus on and become aware of the consequences and influence of my behaviour, and try to give my best service.

3. YOU have taught me to appreciate the moment and not take life for granted, to live life to the fullest and enjoy the present.

4. YOU have taught me to endure and persevere. YOU have taught me to be persistent and fight for what is rightfully mine.

5. YOU have taught me not to be satisfied with the easy way of life or using the system. YOU taught me to take pride in myself and do my best.

6. YOU have moulded me into a teacher and model for others, to influence them to take courage and develop their characters.

7. YOU have encouraged me to seek knowledge. Through this experience, I have gained wisdom to help myself and others.

8. YOU have taught me to keep focused on my goals and not to let the worldly influence distract me; to ignore the mediocre minds that often get in the way and slow my growth.

9. Because of YOU, teachers were sent to help me learn, because I was ready and willing to overcome the major obstacles in my life.
10. YOU have taught me that I am very much in control of how YOU influence me. There is a way "provided" to succeed if I seek it out, but I must keep at it and keep using my skills or I will lose my gifts.

11. YOU taught me faith to trust in the Creator. If I get connected with the Spirit, things will work out for the best. I am learning to trust the process.

12. Because of my middle brother’s experience of protecting me, playing with me and being my friend, he thanked YOU, for YOU taught him compassion, sacrifice and caring.

I have a real love hate relationship with YOU. There are times I wish I could remove YOU and destroy YOU. But yet, if I were to do that, I would destroy myself, because YOU have created me. I am who I am today and a better person because of YOU, and I choose to embrace YOU.

I have heard other people thank YOU, because without YOU, these people would not have become who they are today. I have not come to that point in my spiritual path where I can thank YOU myself, but I feel I am almost where I will understand.

(Gloria Fraser, B.Sc., B.Ed., M.Ed. (Ed. Psy.), is a Native Counsellor at Lakehead University in Thunder Bay, Ontario. She is originally from Lunenburg, Nova Scotia.)