Love Saves The Day

Laura Yeager, with husband Stephen Dolan, offers advice for handling stress

WHEN most people think of weddings, they often think of perfection: happy, smiling faces, impeccable clothes, fabulous cuisine and string quartets. But for some brides and grooms, the special day can be fraught with anxiety and tension. Planning a wedding is stressfuland labour-intensive for anyone, but for people with physical or mental disabilities, they can be downright overwhelming.

The good news is that there are things you can do to take some of the stress out of the situation. People with disabilities likely have to invest a bit more time and energy into planning their wedding, but many have done so and lived to tell the tale.

I know what I’m talking about – I did it. At 34, with severe bipolar illness, I married Stephen Dolan on August 23, 1997. My “bugaboo” was paranoia. (On our honeymoon to Maine, I feared he was going to steal my money.) But got through it all, and we’ve been married 10 years. I’m happy to say that we have a wonderful relationship. Let’s meet a few other couples with disabilities who got married – their way, with as little stress as possible.

COUPLE: John and Tamika
CHALLENGE: Resistance from relatives
John Russ of Wilmington, North Carolina, is an established DJ for DJSmooth-Entertainment.com. He and his wife, Tamika, were married in 1998. John has cerebral palsy and uses a wheelchair, and Tamika has seizures. Their families didn’t think the couple could “handle” being married and told them so. Tired of the criticism, one autumn evening, John and Tamika eloped. They said they were going to the movies, but instead they took a taxi to a marriage chapel. The cab driver was their marriage witness. Once John and Tamika were married, their relatives couldn’t do much about the situation, and John says that they grew to accept the couple. Then, in 1999, John and Tamika had a vow-renewal ceremony in a church, complete with a reception.

LESSON LEARNED: If one or both of you have a disability, your relatives might have doubts that you can make a go of it. Their skepticism might even make you doubt you can handle being married. With all this criticism, you might be tempted to elope, too! But take heart. It takes persistence, creativity and courage, but marriages
in which one or both partners have a disability can work. That is certainly the case for John and Tamika, who celebrate their 10th anniversary this year. As in any relationship, John says, they have an occasional bad day, but overall they have a great marriage. His advice to others: “Take a look at your situation and see if you think you can handle it. There are no guarantees in any marriage, so just take a chance.”

COUPLE: Richard and Terri
CHALLENGE: Her wedding, her way
Richard Hill of Akron, Ohio, has bipolar disorder. He married Terri, who has cerebral palsy and uses two canes because it has affected her balance. Terri’s desire for her wedding was to walk down the aisle without her canes. To prepare, she endured three months of physical therapy in which the therapist stretched her leg muscles so that she could better support herself. On July 16, 2005, Terri walked down the aisle. She spent the majority of the service sitting in a chair, but Richard is quick to say, “She stood up for her vows.”

LESSON LEARNED: You might have special desires or requirements for your wedding day. For example, perhaps you require attendant services for yourself or your guests. Brides and grooms who are Deaf or hard of hearing may want an interpreter or an official who knows sign language to perform the ceremony. Perhaps you’d like your wedding programs printed in Braille, or you want a real-time captioning service at your reception. Give yourself plenty of time for research and planning (delegate some tasks to a reliable friend, if possible). If money is no object, consider hiring a wedding planner to take care of all the details. To keep costs down, choose your priorities and be flexible about the rest. For example, to reserve funds for an interpreter, hire a DJ instead of a live band. Sometimes money is not the issue – in Terri’s case, time for physical therapy was the key. Don’t rush yourselves – that’s a sure recipe for stress. Finally, if things don’t quite go the way you hoped, don’t let it ruin the day. The important part is that you both say “I do.”

COUPLE: Eric and Suzanne
CHALLENGE: Accessibility
Eric and Suzanne Miazga were married on June 5, 2004, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Both of them have cerebral palsy. Suzanne, who uses a wheelchair, had her gown custom-made because the dressing rooms in wedding boutiques weren’t wheelchair accessible. She also got her florist to come to her house because the flower shop wasn’t accessible.

LESSON LEARNED: Don’t be afraid to ask for accommodations from vendors and service providers. Ask a lot of questions when booking your wedding venue, reception site and hotel – are the entrance and washrooms wheelchair accessible? What other accessibility features are available? Book necessities such as accessible vehicles early. If you or anyone else is bringing a service dog, let the facility know in advance to avoid hassles, and ask the staff to provide water for four legged guests. Planning a wedding may seem daunting at first, but with a little love and some effort (OK, maybe a lot of effort), your special day can be a success. Things may not go exactly according to plan – and that’s all right. Rather than fretting over details, try to see the joy in the day. And remember, it will be over in the blink of an eye. Then, you’ll have your whole life to live with your spouse.