Washroom Woes

By Anita Arnold

When nature calls, and when it calls in a hurry, you need fast access to a washroom. If you use a walker, however, answering that call in a public place requires graceful manoeuvering. Here, then, are some methods for gaining access to a public washroom with a walker:

Washroom Door Swings Inward:
1. Put right hand on side of walker.
2. Put other hand on door and push.
3. Apologize to person coming out, and offer a Kleenex to staunch the nosebleed.
4. Hop backwards to let person pass.
5. Watch door close.

Washroom Door Swings Outward:
1. See point one above.
2. Put other hand on door and pull.
3. Stare at person on other side of door as he/she falls towards you.
4. Brush floor dust off self and other person.
5. Watch door close.

Two Doors, One Outside Door and One Inside Door:
1. Put hand on one side of walker.
2. Pull open first door with other hand.
3. Move walker sideways.
4. Jam door with one leg of walker.
5. Hold door open and move forward.
6. Let first door close behind you.
7. You are now in between the first door and second door. Note that the second door is also a pull door.
8. Yell for help.
9. Thank person who opens first door. Explain that there isn’t enough room for you to open the second door.
10. Back yourself out.
11. Watch door close.

Automatic Door:
(This style of entrance is reserved for people with disabilities and children who "want to push the blue button.")
1. Look for button.
2. See button on other side of hallway.
3. Move toward button.
4. Push button with part of body still working.
5. Work your way to door.
6. Trip over screaming child who wanted to press the button first.
7. Brush floor dust off self and child.
8. Apologize to parent for touching child.
9. Get up and move towards door.
10. Watch door close.

Beaded Curtain:*
*For those of you who still go to quasi-hippie underground back-room coffee houses that don’t follow health regulations such as having doors on washrooms.
1. Start to move toward curtain.
2. Feel a tug on the walker.
3. Observe beaded string caught on bolt of walker.
4. Pull on string to detach it.
5. Apologize to manager and offer to pick up beads.
6. Watch door of restaurant close.

The Definitive Method:
1. Put adult diapers on shopping list.

(Anita Arnold is a freelance writer who conquers washroom entrances in her hometown of Calgary, Alberta.)